The One with Two Paths
Sometimes we think we have everything figured out on what is next and what it looks like, but then we sit down and take a breath. Next thing we know life has flipped upside down, and you are lost on what to do next and what is right. This is exactly what has happened to me.
Since coming home from training, I had this feeling inside of me that, at first, I just thought was me mourning leaving and saying goodbye, but soon I realized that I had two paths in front of me. I was instantly confused to what was happening–why would there be two paths in front of me when I knew already what path I was going down? I was faced with the path of leaving for Nepal in 2017 or staying back in America. I was so confused by what my heart was longing for and just did not understand how one door had been opened if I was not supposed to go yet. I just held everything in because I did not believe I should be feeling these things, and I thought that maybe it would go away. I should have known from experience that this would not go away because a decision was to be made. I came to realize that I had to make a choice. The Lord has shown me that He trusts me to make decisions and choices in my life, but for some reason this one was hard. At first I was thinking that one was the ‘right’ choice which means the other is the ‘wrong’ choice, but soon I realized that neither one was wrong and that both were good. No matter what, the Lord will be with me and has gone before me in both.
So I did what most people do when they have to make a hard decision – Pros and Cons List! I really started to dig deep down into each path and really look into my heart to see what I felt was the best path in this time. Through this I was able to see how one of the things that made my heart want to stay is stability. I know that my stability comes from the Lord and that He is seriously the only solid thing I have in my life, but I have a desire to have my own space that is mine and the Lord’s–where we can be for some time. I have really learned how burnt out I am on moving – I have lived a nomadic life for a very long time now. I started to ask myself and the Lord if it is wrong to desire this. Then, I remembered the Lord places desires in our hearts and He wants to have them, and He wants us to be healthy–which means taking care of ourselves. Once I realized which way my heart was swaying I started to feel some fear: 1) I do not want to be a failure, disappointment, or a letdown to my supporters and the LTM team, and 2) I feared what others may think. That is when I knew which one I was supposed to go with, and that meant some hard conversations. I am not the biggest fan when it comes hard conversations.
The Lord knows this factor about me, and sometimes He helps by giving a little push. That is exactly what happened when LTM wanted to check in with me. I knew that I had to let them know where I was and everything that has been going on. Well, let me tell you all that God knows what He is doing and He speaks to everyone. Through our conversation it became one of those #samespirit moments. I shared with them from the beginning of what has been going on and where I was at. Then they shared with me that they all have been in serious prayer for some time and felt that it would be best for me to stay here longer. I was blown away by what they felt and what the Lord had been showing me because we were all on the same page. It really shows me how much the Father cares for each and every one of us and His intentionality with us in how He prepared the way.
I felt that I should share everything with all of you because sometimes we may feel lost and/or confused, and we have to make decisions we did not even know would come up. And sometimes a path that leads to somewhere may seem like a straight shot but it ends up having other stops along the way. I cannot tell you the peace that I feel and how I know the Lord has walked ahead and prepared what is next for me in this season.
