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| Bloody and Broken |

Something I learned from a young age is how to be independent. We are always being taught to be an independent person, especially as a woman. For me it was something that I choose into due to I wanted to be able to do everything for myself and I believed it to show someone of great strength. As I went through life, it became one of my biggest things that I found identity in because I got use to the fact that people would leave and I believed the lies of ‘I am too much,’ ‘I am weak,’ or ‘I am needy.’ So I turned to my independence. And with that I started to believe that I have to be able to take care of everything and carry my own weight.

 

The second day into our Long Term Missions Training, I was hit hard by the fact I cannot do certain things without the help of someone else. For example, the dreadful wall…I knew that it was coming during training since we knew that we were going to be doing low and high rope courses but I was hoping it would be later. Oh no they hit us with it on the second day in the pouring rain. There are a couple reasons to way I did not want to do the wall, one being insecurity in my body image, then the fact I would have to trust a group of people to lift me up in the air and push/pull me up over this massive wooden wall. Fortunately, the Lord has already taught me the lesson if there is any bit of fear in it then I need to go for it. And I did just that. It was great to get over that wall but it still had not hit me.

 

The next day, we got to do the lovely high ropes…I am not a huge fan of heights when I am having to depend on others to make sure that I do not fall to my death. Okay maybe stretching it there but in my mind those were my thoughts. But then again, I will not allow a fear to hold me back. So I climbed and then held onto the pole like a cat stuck in the tree and then climbed higher to then wrap myself around the pole again and climbed some more and finally reaching as far as I could go. Then came the BIG moment of sitting back and trusting them to lower me down. As I had wrapped myself around the pole with a tight death grip, I was arguing with myself of let go or not let go. Finally, I just let go. And what happened? Why of course, I was lowered to the ground unharmed and feeling proud of myself for doing it.

 

The next two days where some of the hardest days. I knew we were going to do some serious hiking with our packs but man I was not prepared for what we faced. I knew I was strong because of what I have had to handle along with people have always told me but there is a huge difference between my own strength and having the strength of the Lord. Oh boy did I learn that. So we were supposed to hike around 7 miles this one day – I will admit I was not looking forward to it because to be honest I really did not know whether I could to it. Within the first half mile it hit me hard. All that was running through my head was ‘I cannot do this,’ ‘How am I going to do this,’ ‘Suck it up and just do it,’ ‘Lord give me the strength,’ and ‘I can do all things through him who strengthens me.’ Yet I felt like a hit a wall. It hit me hard and I just stopped and started to cry because we are barely into this hike and I do not know how I am going to make it. Then I was greeted with community and dependency knocking at my door. People started to take some of my load and then encouraging me. This was so hard because my load is for me to carry – no one else. I do not want to be a burden to someone else. But the Lord had a plan of breaking this off of me.

 

As we continued to walk, I just started talking to the Lord. Asking him why is this bothering me so much. Why did I not want others to help me carry my load? Why do I not like the thought of depending on others? Where else am I uncomfortable with depending on others? Well after walking around 6 miles, I was done. My body was exhausted. And then we found out that there had been a miscalculation and we still had to walk 5 more miles because we could not stop where we were due to no water and a campfire ban. Of course, that is not all – God wanted to really break me into dependency. I was honest in sharing how I did not think I could go any further when asked and here came the break. One of our leaders asked, ‘What if I was to take your pack?’ What?!?! He already had his own pack. I was the one on the race that helped carry others’ packs, not the reverse. I do not want to be a burden. No! But there was no saying no. He took my pack. And then I was asked to lead our group in setting the pace. Finally, after 11 miles over Blood Mountain on the Appalachian Trail we made it to our campsite. My feet destroyed by my chacos and my pride left back on the trail.

 

Dependency…This is something I thought I understood but in reality I had no idea about it. Everything with where my life is heading and what the Lord has placed before me is based on this one word. And for me to be able to walk into this new season I had to have my independent pride broken off. I needed to really start to wrap my mind and heart around what dependency is. My team is there for me and I am not a burden or too much for them. It is stronger to be able to depend on others than it is to be independent. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg I am learning and walking out in dependency but I am looking forward to walking more into this and what fruit will come from it. What is the point of having community if I am not willing to trust and depend on them? Also how can I offer dependency if I am not allowing myself room for it?

 

I end this with saying thank you Lord for taking my independence and helping me walk into a life of full dependency.